I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
And then my night got REAL pukey
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
