Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
