Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Four minutes until I can fart!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
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