Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
