My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
