Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
