I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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