There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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