I can tuck mytits in my pants
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
