if you like me you must not know who I am
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
