Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
