Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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