she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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