Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
