I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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