I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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