My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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