and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
