What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
