I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So vagazzling was a success
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
