So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
