She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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