Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
