Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
