I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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