I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
