I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
