Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize