I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
