felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
