It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
