Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
