He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
