I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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