I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
