I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
