stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
