Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
