why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
