Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
