we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste