I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.