so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
