there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
