I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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