Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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