There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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