my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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