you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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