3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
