I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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