pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
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apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
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So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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