i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
