I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he told me I talked like a deaf person
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
