The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
