Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
