You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
