We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
