Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Someone shit on the floor
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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