I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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